Monday, August 26, 2013 Monday, August 26, 2013
This is the time of the semester where I start thinking about everything and it's happening for every semester. Why? The reason is simple, because the school I am studying in, there is this policy whereby we have to change class every semester. Obviously, there are pros and cons. To be honest, I really hate having to change class again and again.
Actually if you were to ask me how am I feeling, I couldn't answer you. Tell me how am I supposed to feel? Happy? Well, I am because I am finally done with the modules for this semester.
Sad? Yes, it's the last day of school tomorrow which means that my class will need to be separated again. I will have to start all over again and try to make friends with people. Not trying to say that making new friends is not good, but making friends is just not my thing, I am not those who are initiative and I prefer staying in my comfort zone. Also, the modules next semester just seems so hard, I don't know if I will ever meet good classmates and whether they are willing to help me because I am a very dependent person.
Remember the first few day when I stepped in the class, I feel so uneasy because everyone is just staring at me like I am some weird person and it feels like everyone is judging me. I just settled down at the table because I saw familiar faces. Few weeks gone by, I was dreading school because I feel so out of place and it's kind of due to people already chit-chatting away happily like they have know for a few years. I just went to break with my semester 2 cliques and went home right after school with them. I don't really talk to others except for my team members of the day.
I think it was during the 2 weeks holiday where I had attended the DBMS camp and I talked to them more because we were gossiping and talking about anything during the camp. After the holiday, it was not so bad and I didn't know how, I was feeling more comfortable with them. Maybe it was because of the RDNA group with Wenyan, Syahidah, Lekha and Naj, we were just the noisiest team of all and laugh at every single thing. I guess this is how I found my laughing partner. Then in my Genetics group, there is Brenda, I didn't know how it start though, Brenda, with her judgemental self just started coming up with gossips and stuff. At that time, Whatsapp groups started and I got to know them more.
Every nonsense just started as I get comfortable with them and apparently, they came up with even more nonsense. Wenyan and I would just go all the way laughing non-stop and the rest will be showing the what-the-fuck kind of face. Everyday in school is just laughing non-stop for me, cause we would just laugh like mad cows and it's just so horrible that we are tired and breathless every single time after laughing.
Now that we are going to separate classes, I feel so sad. What is this? This is the point where I get really comfortable and yet, it's a farewell time. Everything will have to restart again, going back to square one. Awkward moments, trying hard to make friends, getting to know one another, get comfortable and separate again. Okay this just sucks. I dislike the feeling of people leaving.
Appreciate everything because one day, you might just lose them. To make it worst, you don't know what is the reason and they are just gone without any warning.
Monday, August 19, 2013 Monday, August 19, 2013
Hi, just making myself feel better here. Yes, I've accepted the fact that things had changed, just that sometimes, my mind wander off to the past. Somewhere I don't belong to, I know.. I kind of miss it. I kept telling myself, I can't change the fact and there is nothing I can do. Similarly, because of this I feel rather sad too, it's like you can just watch everything disappear in just maybe one day. Yet, it takes forever for feelings to totally go? Actually I don't know what I am feeling.. It feels like I'm totally over it, but when I came across something, I feel a tinge of heartache. It's like I can still be affected by him. Fuck this okay. I really hate it. I just want to fuck care everything and laugh it off. I am really glad I've crazy friends and I genuinely feel happy talking to them cause it makes me forget everything for awhile. I hope one day, anything related to him will not have any effect on me. And it better be like..now?
"Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone hurts. Some just hide it better than others."
Tuesday, August 06, 2013 Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I don't even know what I am holding on to, what makes me pull through all these, what makes me look forward to. Happiness? When it's so easily lost? Hah isn't it a joke, things that make you happy, can also make you sad. What the fuck. I feel that's it is really scary to find someone or something that makes you happy. Why?
"You start giving them all of your attention because they're what makes you forget everything bad that's going on in your life. They're the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end your day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it's scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away too when they go."
How true? When you get too happy, don't forget that sadness is coming its way. They always say "It can't rain for long because once in a while, the sun will come out and the days will be fine. In some occasion, you can even get a chance to see rainbow." Well, think about it in another way, the sun can't shine for long, night will fall and that is when you start feeling all the emptiness and things like that. Now, I'm feeling really empty.
